I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
