You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Best friends brother. Beat that.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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