I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize