Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
