I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
