I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
