I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
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