So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
