his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
