Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
