I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
