She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
