fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
