The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
