I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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