Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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