I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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