Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
