all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
