I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
