Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
