I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
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I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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