You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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