he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
