No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
