naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
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ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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