I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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