He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
