dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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