I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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