I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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