if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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