This is not my ceiling
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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