i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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