just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
