Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"