good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
