What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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