woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
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Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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