the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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