It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You are the jesus of drinking
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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