I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
