You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
