if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
