Sry I called you an 8
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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