saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
