There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
