I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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