my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
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There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
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I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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