you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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