I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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