I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
