life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
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i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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