Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
