Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
