apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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