i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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