I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
